On Friday, you read "Between the World and Me," by Richard Wright. This task (Part III, question 1) asks students to, "...analyze how the speaker uses the varied imagery of the poem to reveal his attitude toward what he has found and how it affects him, paying particular attention to the shifting point of view of the narrator."
Begin your assignment by reading the following excerpt from an A.P. guide:
Passage One: Richard Wright's "Between the World and Me"
One of the rewards of looking for passages for a new edition of our AP book is the discovery of wonderful but obscure pieces such as "Between the World and Me." Wright, whose representation in high school syllabi usually consists of either his poignant autobiography Black Boy or his powerful novel Native Son, is seldom anthologized as a poet. However, as this haunting poem attests, his powers in this genre were equally impressive. "Between the World and Me" describes how a Thoreau-or-Frost-like foray into the woods does not always yield a pacific experience. In this case the speaker stumbles upon a gruesome site-the remains of a scene of horrific violence. The evidence that remains-a skeleton, blood-soaked articles of clothing, a pile of ashes, and an empty liquor flask among other things-is all dormant, a fact reflected by the tranquil diction such as "slumbering" (line 4), "cushion" (line 4), "vacant" (line 7), and "empty" (line 7). Still, the aura of the place of execution, particularly the "Scattered traces of tar, restless arrays of feathers, and the lingering smell of gasoline" (line 9), brings the experience powerfully to life in both the speaker's and the reader's imaginations. Though the speaker comes upon the site in the morning, just as "the sun poured yellow surprise into the eye sockets of a stony skull" (line 10), he feels the ground grip his feet and his heart being "circled by icy walls of fear-" (line 12). Those readers familiar with Toni Morrison's Beloved may recognize this experience as similar to what Sethe calls her "rememory," a powerful association of a particular place with the actions associated with it. While pondering the skull and the remnants of that tragic night, the speaker is transported back to that awful moment. In his dark reverie he imaginatively becomes the unfortunate victim: shivering in the cold of the night wind, hearing the yelps of the pursuing hounds, surrounded by the crowd of cruel faces, bloodied and tortured by callous and inhumane hands. The ignominies he vicariously suffers-beating, sexual humiliation, tarring-and-feathering, and incineration-drive home the horrors of the actual African-American experience in a shockingly immediate way. Lines 18-25, which climactically juxtapose images of violence, religion, and childhood innocence, are brilliantly contrasted by the understated ending in which speaker and skeleton quietly become one. For some this poem may be too powerful, but as classroom teachers we have always felt it our moral duty to situate students in the real world. One reads Night or watches Schindler's List with the same purpose: to recognize the human capacity for evil, to be appalled by its callous manifestations, and to promote the necessary vigilance to deter such horrible episodes from ever happening again.As literature, Wright's poem is a powerful pedagogical tool, providing insight into a sordid historical epoch and a window into one African-American's response to it.
Your assignment:
Read the following student writing samples A, B, C & D. For each sample, provide:
1. A general assessment/impression
2. A comment on clarity of purpose (thesis statement) & whether or not you have a clear sense of where the writer was going to go in his/her body paragraphs.
3. A compliment (something the writer did well)
4. A concern/suggestion (something missing, over or under-developed, off-track, vague, wordy, grammatical flaws, formatting issues, etc.)
Assignment Due Date: Wednesday, 2.22.12
Sample A:
The world is not what it seems. As illustrated by Richard Wright in his poem "Between the World and Me," the world can be an ugly, loathsome place, housing evils we would rather have hidden. In the opening lines of the poem, Wright references a narrator who has discovered a brutally murdered body. The narrator is so disturbed by the gruesome sight that his mind forces him to experience it for himself, the experience forces itself between his surroundings of world and himself.
Each paragraph would dissect each-
*Different point of view
*Why the narrator uses it
Sample B:
Throughout his poem "Between the World and Me" author Richard Wright uses a variety of images to accurately portray his well of emotions and attitudes toward the sobering scene he has found. By combining the switch of melancholic to shocked to nostalgic to gruesome and violent imagery with a shifting point of view Wright is able to create a vivid, surreal portrayal of the narrators emotion.
Body paragraph 1: "Design of white bones" stanza - melancholic
Body paragraph 2: "My mind frozen" stanza - shock
Body paragraph 3: Nostalgia
Body paragraph 4: Gruesome violent
Sample C:
The speaker makes use of auditory, visual and tactile language in order to convey the horror of the scene that he discovers. It is clear from the imagery and connotations of the words used to convey the imagery that the speaker feels pity and horror at the scene, the remains of a murder. It is also shown in the personification of components of the scenery and their affect on the imagery.
*Auditory imagery
*Visual imagery
*Tactile imagery
*Elements of personification
*Conclusion using the above
Sample D:
There was a design of white bones slumbering forgottonly upon a cushion of ashes, a vacant shoe, a lonely hat. Richard Wright uses imagery throughout the entire poem, thus showing us his attitude towards what he found through the literary device imagery. The sun dying in the sky expressed the shifting point of view of the narrator. The dry bones stirred, rattled & lifted showing how this affected him, therefore Richard Wrights voice drowned in the roar of others roaring voices. Richard Wrights blood was finally cooled by a baptism.
*Talk about how the lines 15-19 how the sun died in the sky
*Talk about how his voice drowned from hearing the others
* Talk about lines 29 how his blood was cooled by gasoline. He was tarred to death.
Sample A:
The world is not what it seems. As illustrated by Richard Wright in his poem "Between the World and Me," the world can be an ugly, loathsome place, housing evils we would rather have hidden. In the opening lines of the poem, Wright references a narrator who has discovered a brutally murdered body. The narrator is so disturbed by the gruesome sight that his mind forces him to experience it for himself, the experience forces itself between his surroundings of world and himself.
Each paragraph would dissect each-
*Different point of view
*Why the narrator uses it
Sample B:
Throughout his poem "Between the World and Me" author Richard Wright uses a variety of images to accurately portray his well of emotions and attitudes toward the sobering scene he has found. By combining the switch of melancholic to shocked to nostalgic to gruesome and violent imagery with a shifting point of view Wright is able to create a vivid, surreal portrayal of the narrators emotion.
Body paragraph 1: "Design of white bones" stanza - melancholic
Body paragraph 2: "My mind frozen" stanza - shock
Body paragraph 3: Nostalgia
Body paragraph 4: Gruesome violent
Sample C:
The speaker makes use of auditory, visual and tactile language in order to convey the horror of the scene that he discovers. It is clear from the imagery and connotations of the words used to convey the imagery that the speaker feels pity and horror at the scene, the remains of a murder. It is also shown in the personification of components of the scenery and their affect on the imagery.
*Auditory imagery
*Visual imagery
*Tactile imagery
*Elements of personification
*Conclusion using the above
Sample D:
There was a design of white bones slumbering forgottonly upon a cushion of ashes, a vacant shoe, a lonely hat. Richard Wright uses imagery throughout the entire poem, thus showing us his attitude towards what he found through the literary device imagery. The sun dying in the sky expressed the shifting point of view of the narrator. The dry bones stirred, rattled & lifted showing how this affected him, therefore Richard Wrights voice drowned in the roar of others roaring voices. Richard Wrights blood was finally cooled by a baptism.
*Talk about how the lines 15-19 how the sun died in the sky
*Talk about how his voice drowned from hearing the others
* Talk about lines 29 how his blood was cooled by gasoline. He was tarred to death.
Sample A
ReplyDeleteThe first sentences is attention grabbing. The author also seem to know what he is talking about when he is analyzing the poem but the overall preview of the poem is not describe; the author talks about details which should be on the body paragraph. The thesis is clear and concise. It's good that the writer has a clear goal about what he going to write about which has the potential of developing into a strong essay. The last sentence is redundant and could be revised.
Sample B
The intro is vague about the author's analysis. It refers to the task at hand but do actually address it. The author seems to be talking around the task. The thesis is also vague, not saying what the actual effect of the imagery. The backing details of the claim is there and is well stated but its not actually backing anything up. The author missed a couple of commas. Also a revision of the intro and substitution of a couple of words, such as changing of to form, would lend a hand in improving the essay.
Sample C
The overall mood of the poem is mentioned and sets the stage for a strong argument. The intro is straight to the point. The author has a clear thesis about the narrator feeling pity and horror but is side track with the next sentence after the thesis. It seems like miscellaneous information. It good that the author stays on task in the intro and they have a strong argument possibilities. I would suggest that the author remove the last sentence. Also, a bit more creativity would allow the author to capture the audience's attention. A few mistakes such as using affect instead of effect should be changed.
Sample D
The first sentence is catchy but doesn't really transition well with the next sentence. The author repeats the poem. The thesis just says that the Richard Wright used imagery but the author does not say in what way. There is a good amount of excerpts from the poem and the author is a good writer but he needs direction in the essay. There is a misspelling of forgottonly. I suggest that the author create one sentence thesis instead of trying to explain it over a couple of sentences because this can be done in the body paragraphs.
Paragraph A
DeleteWriter A had some obvious mistakes like placing a comma at the end of a quote that did not have a comma originally. I don't think that the writer did not mention anything on point of views in his opening paragraph which would make a transition to the point of view part very difficult. Writer A has a good idea that they are supposed to analyze the authors use of literary devices but fails to clarify more. A suggestion would be to try to incorporate somewhat what they are going to talk about later in the essay.
Paragraph B
My first impression was that this writer has difficulty creating a big opening line and it is emphasized by the fact that the writer refers to the author as "his" and not the last name. There is a clear idea of where this writer is going but im sure it can be phrased alot better. This writer did well in the opening paragraph because they talked about the different POVs as oppose to writer A who leaves the reader lost as to what they are going to write about. My suggestion would be to re-read the writing after they are done and try to see if they should add any commas or rephrase something.
Paragraph C
My first impression of paragraph C was that the writer was sort of fishing for something, they were throwing out big terms at the wrong time and were also not connecting them to anything.There is not a clear thesis anywhere. It felt as if the writer was trying was just giving a summary on what the author used in his poem. The writer did good in identifying the literary terms but failed to explain how they were used. My suggestion would be to write down the literary terms used and a line showing how they were used and then try to incorporate them in that way it does not sound like it was thrown in at random.
Paragraph D
My first impression of paragraph D was that the author was unsure of how to start their paragraph and used a line from the poem but failed to quote it. There is not a clear thesis to be found. The writer introduces different ideas but not one that brings them all together. The writer does well by introducing his ideas and is ready to continue writing. My suggestion would be to just concentrate writing thesis's and also opening statements.
Mike J
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteSample A:
ReplyDeleteIn general, the opening paragraph of this essay is gracefully written. The writer’s thesis was clear and the planned paragraphs were clear if a bit ambiguous. The best part of this paragraph is the first sentence and how it neatly expresses the main idea behind the poem. The main issue is with the writer’s planning. They neglected to address the imagery of the poem.
Sample B:
This paragraph summarizes the writer’s intentions for the rest of the essay and shows their intentions for responding to the prompt. The thesis clearly states the writer’s intentions before the rest of the paragraph extends it. The writer’s planned paragraphs didn’t address the change in point of view in the poem. The best of the paragraph is the first sentence as it is for Sample B, due to its clarity in describing the poem. This piece of writing could be improved by the writer addressing the point of view part of the prompt.
Sample C:
This paragraph focuses of the types of imagery in the poem and touches on their effect on the speaker slightly. The thesis is clear and concise but neglects the changes in point of view, an error that is echoed in the writer’s planning for the rest of their paper, though the descriptions of paragraphs to come are descriptive enough to give a feeling of the writer’s intended path. The best part of the paragraph is the thesis because it doesn’t waste space by repeating what has already been written. This paragraph would be improved if it responded to the whole prompt.
Sample D:
The paragraph feels as if it is attempting a full analysis in the space of only one paragraph. The thesis is a bit repetitive in the response, but does address the question asked. The planned paragraphs extend the parts of the poem that are mentioned in the response, but seem discontinuous with the first paragraph, as they jump between points brought up in that first paragraph. The use of text from the poem to open the essay was a good way of drawing the reader in. Possessive words lack apostrophes and some of the wording is redundant. These things could be fixed to improve the first paragraph.
Paragraph A
ReplyDeleteThe author made a clear effort to write a creative hook, which I think was largely successful. However, the thesis is not clear, as this short paragraph begins to fall into plot summary before the essay has even begun. To add to that, the plan for further paragraphs is dismally small, and offers little insight as to what the author actually plans to do. The hook is nicely crafted, but more clarity and a bit more length would do wonders, as well as more careful grammar.
Paragraph B
A nice hook would have been nice, but this paragraph gets to the point and isn’t too fluffy. It was written well, and was fairly clear, but could have been elaborated a bit more. The plan for subsequent paragraphs is solid, and could produce an excellent essay if done correctly. Also, as it has already been said, all these introductions need to be careful on grammar and punctuation.
Paragraph C
This paragraph was even more direct than either of the previous examples. A creative hook is lacking, and would certainly benefit the tone of the rest of the essay. You can only get one first impression. Wording seemed a bit underdeveloped, but at the very least, the purpose of the essay was relatively straightforward. The plan for the rest of the paragraphs was good as well.
Paragraph D
The example of imagery that begins this paragraph probably sounded like a good idea at the time, but did not pan out exactly how the author intended. It was creative for sure, albeit a bit wordy. The author gets right into analysis, which would have been better saved for the body paragraphs, which are organized well enough.
-Josh Pelton
Sample A:
ReplyDeleteThis sample is well written but uses some unnecessary description. There is no clear thesis statement for this sample. The author describes the experiences of the narrator, nut this does not address the question that was being posed by the prompt. The author does do a good job with describing the poem. However, the author never addresses the main point of the prompt which was to interpret the meanings behind the use imagery and point of view in the poem.
Sample B:
This is a strong opening paragraph. It is concise, but addresses all of the points of the prompt in a well written manner. There is a clear thesis statement that addresses both aspects of the prompt. This is overall a solid introduction. Something that the author could do better is to sure that the point of view aspect of the prompt is included more readily in the thesis. It seems almost tacked on at the last minute.
Sample C:
While this sample does address some aspects of the prompt, the author seems to become confused about what they are writing. There is a thesis statement but it does not clearly explain what the author will be writing about. It just says that the “imagery and connotations of the words used to convey the imagery…” This shows a limited understanding of what the author is writing about. This author does understand the different emotions of the narrator. Something this author could work on is making sure that their thoughts are clear before putting them onto paper, which can be difficult with the time limit.
Sample D:
There is a good thesis in this sample; however it is overcrowded by the excessive and unnecessary use of quotes and paraphrases in this opening paragraph. The author uses examples of the imagery that Wright uses in the poem that are good, just not in an introduction. These quotes could probably be used successfully within the body paragraphs, but not here. The thesis is clear however, which is a good thing. The main constructive criticism I have for this author would be “less is more.”
1. Sample A has a frail thesis statement and his or her interpretation of the poem is flawed. From his thesis statement, I am confused on how he is going to explain Wright’s use of imagery when he/she does not reference imagery in his/her thesis statement. What he does well is explain his interpretation of Wright’s poem in that he does have validity that the does display a “gruesome sight”. I think that he/she should incorporate the concept of imagery in his thesis statement while analyzing and interpreting the poem.
ReplyDelete2. Poem B was very concise with not allot of detail. If this person expanded on his thesis further, he would have had a strong introduction paragraph. His thesis statement was strong in that he was going to explain the shifting point of view and the application of both “gruesome and violent” imagery. This person seems to know how to develop a strong thesis (some detail would help though). Overall, this person seemed to have run out of time when producing this introductory paragraph and needs to add more detail and analysis of the poem overall.
3. First, the author is not a “speaker” in context. He seems to know the types of imagery which is great but in his thesis, he doesn’t expand upon it by incorporating the poem and interpreting the piece. I found it weird that he doesn’t include the author or the narrator in this paragraph and refers to the narrator as a “speaker.” This is the same problem that I faced in that it was hard to incorporate my interpretation of the poem in the introductory paragraph. What he/she (the writer) did do well was describe imagery and its purpose in the introductory paragraph. All this person needs to do is put this information in context.
4. Although I couldn’t understand the role the first sentence was trying to play, I do know what purpose it served which was a description in which Wright was using imagery. Sample D seems to understand how to incorporate the plot with the objective of the prompt. Although he/she was starting to become more fixated in addressing the plot, he still seems to have a strong thesis statement and addresses finely. All I would say is to address why the point of view is important to constructing the imagery of the piece.
Sample A:
ReplyDeleteMy general impression of this piece was that it was appealingly put together for the reader, which was a pro. Though after the thesis statement which I found to be clear in the introduction, the second body paragraph wasn’t communicated by the author in the introduction. I compliment the author for implementing great use of diction and sentence structure into this brief introduction. My only concern to this introduction is that all of the body paragraphs weren’t communicated thoroughly and that needs to be done.
Sample B:
This Sample I thought was the most developed so far, even though it was the most brief, because its purpose was short, sweet, and to the point. The thesis was eloquently put together and each of the body paragraphs were clearly stated to the reader. To my knowledge, I did not see any grammatical errors of any sort, so I compliment the writer on making a pristine first draft. One suggestion I would make would be that to eliminate the body paragraph #2 and combine it with body paragraph #1 to eliminate the time that it would take to make one more body paragraph and instead put this time towards the other three.
Sample C:
For Sample C I found the Introduction to feel extremely rushed, possibly due to the fact that there was no hook present to guide the reader into the author’s ideas. The thesis showed no evidence of using the mandatory addressed topic of shifting point of view within the poem and the body paragraphs were stated before the thesis (this may be acceptable). I can compliment the author by saying that they had no hidden meaning whatsoever in their introduction. My suggestions would be that they were extremely straightforward (they need a hook) and there were much too many body paragraphs implied at the bottom of the introduction to be effectively used.
Sample D:
In this last Sample piece I concluded that the overall writing was the “middle-man’ of the sample introductions (not pristine but not too lacking). The thesis, though clear to be a thesis, does not include the shift which was implied in the question for the essay to be needed but the body paragraphs were clearly stated. My compliment for this author would be that they used an appropriate amount of body paragraphs for the thesis and were prepared to support the body paragraphs with in-text references. What concerned me the most about this piece would be that the first sentence was not put in quotes (even though it was an excerpt from the piece and the body paragraphs were stated using different sentences, even though they could all be incorporated appropriately into one.
Sample A:
ReplyDeleteI like this sort of brief explanation of what went on the poem. The author shows that they have a clear understanding of what the poem is about. However, they should have gone on to how they plan to address the mission statement of the essay. There was no clear thesis statement that addressed what was asked of them in the opening paragraph.
Sample B:
The introduction here is not as clear and concise as it could have been. The author’s thesis statement is that they will talk about melancholia, shock, nostalgia, and violence, but not indicate what imagery was used to portray this, which is key to the mission statement. I also did not see much nostalgia in the poem. The thesis statement did not address the answer to the mission statement, which was not only about the author’s use of imagery, but also how his perception changes throughout the poem. However, the author hit it on the nose that melancholia and shock changed to violence.
Sample C:
The language is a bit confusing and the introduction is overall vague. The author should focus on clearly stating what imagery is used to convey what and when. How has the author’s view changed? I don’t see any thesis statement that answers the mission statement or conveys what exactly the reader will be discussing in the upcoming paragraphs. The author did state correctly what type of imagery was used and how the author feels about, “the remains of a murder.”
Sample D:
The author said many things that symbolized the author’s change in his/her point of view, but does not indicate what that change is. Was the author sad before and is now happy? What is the shift? The author does too much of summary straight from the poem in the first paragraph and does not seem to focus on the big picture. There is no clear thesis statement that addresses exactly what the mission statement is asking of the student. The writer seems to be on the wrong track, they should focus on taking a couple of minutes to think of the best way to plan out how to answer the mission statement. Those couple of minutes will make a world of difference. The author found a good point of symbolism which I did not see up until now.
Amina
A.) My overall impression on sample A was that it took a clear stance on the overall meaning of the poem. The opening sentences greatly reflect on the ideas that Wright likely intended to pass about the scene of death the speaker stumbled upon. However, there is no real thesis in the paragraph that addresses how imagery adds to this overall meaning, which is the major flaw of this essay. I really like how the paragraph was concise and right to the point, which makes reading it straightforward and easy to understand. I also think the way the body paragraphs are organized works well, because it adheres to the prompt given, and is backed up by the poem. The writer needs to implement an arguable thesis that addresses the prompt given on how imagery affects the poem’s meaning as a whole.
ReplyDeleteB.) Sample B’s opening sentence was not as attention grabbing as sample A’s was, but I think that it focuses very well to the given prompt. Yet, it is only two sentences, which I feel might have been too short. The author’s thesis incorporates both the imagery and the poem’s meaning, which would likely strengthen the entire essay as a whole. The body paragraphs are based on different aspects of evidence that result from the differences in point of view, similar to the body paragraph structure of sample A (despite A being much less specific). The overall concepts that this sample presents are well thought out and the overall structure of the essay looks great. However, elaborating just slightly in the intro would be beneficial to the entire essay.
C.) The first thing that I noticed in sample C was that Richard Wright is not specifically mentioned at all in the paragraph. Compared to sample B, the thesis is not easily seen, and I don’t think that types of imagery appealing to difference senses work well for the body paragraphs. These would probably work, but they do not really follow the “hint” given in the prompt specifically suggesting the use of the differing points of views. Sample C’s grasp on the poem is accurate to the meaning of the poem, and the writer has enough evidence to support his or her stance. The introduction could be improved by implementing a more specific and stronger thesis statement that ties everything together, as well as including the significance of multiple points of view.
D.) Immediately in the first sentence I notice that the writer forgot to use quotes for the stanza taken directly from the poem. Having a quote as the introductory sentence is probably not a good idea in the first place because it doesn’t provide insight on the writer’s stance. While the author’s name is included in the paragraph, the writer should have included the title of the literary work being referenced. The thesis is not confined into a single sentence, and is rather weak because it repeatedly uses words from the poem to argue certain points, but it never unifies the meaning of the work. I think that the writer had good insights on how specific examples imagery contributed to the poem. However, the writer needs to work on uniting the supporting evidence, incorporating the different points of view, and not copying words and lines from the poem aimlessly.
David Roccapriore
A.) This introductory paragraph was intriguing and the opening sentence initially grabbed my attention. The writers hook, “The world is not what it seems”, immediately sets a tone for the essay and gives you a general theme of what they will be addressing. This writer also did a good job in developing a solid thesis statement. You can generally understand what the writer is trying to argue and support from their last sentence, “The narrator is so disturbed by the gruesome sight that his mind forces him to experience it for himself, the experience forces itself between his surroundings of world and himself.” The writer flows into their thesis well and offers a good plot overview. I feel overall it is a strong introduction but could be more concise and to the point.
ReplyDeleteB.) Initially, I feel that this introduction is all over the place and is somewhat confusing to follow. The writer addresses too many claims and creates a run-on sentence. The thesis is identifiable but it cluttered in the arguments for the body paragraphs. Overall, I feel this writer has a strong sense of the poem and contained several well-developed arguments. The writer has too mainly vague arguments, which foreshadows paragraphs with small amounts of support and analysis. I would recommend separating the arguments and isolating the thesis statement.
C.) This introduction is straight to the point and clearly addresses what the essay is going to argue about. This writer does a nice job in setting the tone of their essay and helps foreshadow a solid essay. I personally was impressed by the writer’s reference to auditory, visual and tactile language. I feel that it goes perfectly with the question and the writer did an eloquent job in tying it into their thesis. The writer’s introduction foreshadows a well-developed essay and is on track for success. Overall the introduction was good but lacked specific detail and information that may have led to a more engaging introduction.
D.) This writer’s introduction was all over the place in terms of a solid clear-cut thesis statement. Initially the writer draws the reader in with a quote; but fails to maintain a sense of structure throughout the introduction. The writer summarized his entire essay and did not connect their arguments into a coherent introduction. This foreshadows a weak essay with little support and structure. The writer did a good job by using specific quotes. However, I would recommend explaining the thesis more specifically instead of listing individual arguments.
-Russell
Sample A: This is opening paragraph is rather unclear with a few grammatical errors. The author is not quite clear on the intentions of the essay and basically gives a summary of the poem. A compliment I have to give the author is that the really created a good hook with the first two sentences. My one suggestion is that they address the prompt before giving a summary of the poem as that is not needed.
ReplyDeleteSample B: This is a decent opening paragraph with some, but not many, grammatical errors. It is well written without much BS getting in the way of the meaning. It could have used a little more elaboration on the reasoning. I suggest the author look to write quicker as the whole thing seems rather rushed.
Sample C: The impression I get from this intro is that the author is missing a beginning sentence. It begins by jumping right in but rather awkwardly so that it never really recovers for the rest of the paragraph. The author does give a straightforward, clear purpose and that is commendable. However, they must have some sort of ease into the prompt so it does not come off as awkward.
Sample D: The opening quote hear just seems like one the author dumped on to get points as it doesn’t really fit in and they don’t connect back to it. Their thesis is clear as well as their supporting reasoning. Unfortunately it still comes off as awkward as the sentence structure and word choice are kind of confusing. A compliment I give to the author is their use of quotes to outline their paper in the opening paragraph. A suggestion I can give is to be a little more conscience of word choice as this last few sentences came out really weird.
Sample A:
ReplyDeleteMy general impression of this paragraph was that the author masked a general uncertainty of the poem with a flashy writing style, that incorporated an adequate hook (this is to be taken as a compliment) I am concerned that the author is unclear about in which direction they are going with their essay, and they should definitely attempt to clarify, in conclusion this seems to be an incomplete introduction
Sample B:
My general impression of this paragraph was that it was concise and that each word was carefully selected. The author gives clear direction to the rest of their essay, even highlighting the specific moods of each sample of imagery. My one concern for this paragraph is that the flow becomes "iffy" when the author describes the imagery used.
Sample C:
My general impression of this paragraph was that much like sample A this introduction is relatively incomplete. The author seems to attempt and impress the reader with their knowledge of literary devices, instead of providing a hook or differentiating themselves from any of the other papers that the reader could be potentially reading. However the author did seem to have a clear, and well thought out plan for the rest of their essay.
Sample D:
My general impression of this paragraph was that although it was confusing due to the general repetition of the poem itself, it showed the most potential of all the introductions. If the author had been more selective in their quote selection and used specific examples of each type of imagery used, such as visual, auditory, tactile, etc; then the introduction could have been truly impressive.
For the first introduction, the authors starts off making good points, but the paragraphs drifts away from there. The thesis is well laid out, being the last sentence, but the overall piece does not seem to have specifics as in where the piece will travel from here, not to mention another paragraph would be better for their score. The writer did make an excellent point however referring to the “evils we would rather have hidden.” This gives me great expectations for the rest of the piece and starts off on a good foot. If I could make one suggestion it would be that the author would try to expand on his reasoning for their next paragraphs as this could add important substance and meaning toward the succeeding paragraphs.
ReplyDeleteThe author of sample B began off very strong again and made some great points. Their thesis, being their second sentence, is strong; however this doesn’t compel me to read on. The author does, on the other hand have a great deal of detail as to their future paragraphs and one compliment in particular is point to the imagery in specific as what Mr. Wright used. One thing that I would suggest is to attempt doing fewer paragraphs as they may run out of time.
For the sample C, the author in this paragraph is again, very descriptive. The thesis, being the second sentence, is strong and takes a definite stance and the introduction shows clear direction for the essay. One thing I love about this paragraph is how it takes an extra sentence to elaborate on the thesis and previous findings on imagery, giving the piece clear direction and focus. As for a suggestion, I would point to the future paragraphs. They have many good points, but again, adding some specifics and narrowing down your paragraph ideas will lend a great amount of direction and depth to the piece.
The author of piece D took an interesting and intriguing new approach. The thesis statement is well laid out, but the author did not elaborate to much further on their point. I do enjoy the format in which they chose to introduce the piece, with imagery of the murder and of Wright’s feelings, but the piece showed no direction or focus. I would have like one sentence or two of imagery, the thesis and then an elaboration to tie the introduction together more coherently.
--Brandon Harris
ReplyDeleteSample A was written well, it retold the author and the name of poem while providing a short and accurate summary. By reading the introduction paragraph I would not have been able to guess that the writer was going to describe the different viewpoints of the author and why they choose those points, they had a weak thesis statement. However, the author did retell and describe the meaning of the poem very nicely. To stick to prompt more as a body paragraph the author may have wanted to include the use of imagery in the poem.
ReplyDeleteIn Sample B the writer understands the prompt, they discuss what it is asking for without missing any components and clearly states where they plan to take the body paragraphs. I think the writer did their thesis statement well, however they are missing a great opening line at the bringing of their introduction to pull the reader in.
The writer of Sample C focuses on imagery very narrowly but in the process they forget about mentioning the narrators shifting point of view. Their thesis statement was clear and told what they were going to focus on. The writer also broke up the different types of imagery nicely in their introduction however, in the beginning the writer might have wanted to add the name of the poem and the author.
The opening hook of Sample D does not connect to the rest of the paragraph. It would have been a great opener but the writer does not transition it smoothly into the next sentence. The thesis statement is clear and elaborate, they address both point of view and imagery. The writer uses quotes from the poem well, the main downfall was not transitioning the opening sentence into the rest of the paragraph because it was a good quote to start of with, it is a bit of a let down.
Sample A: After reading the sample I had a idea of what the writer was going to talk about in the rest of the essay. The thesis sentence in my opinion was strong and the writer incorporated it well into their writing. I thought that the “hook” was very nice because after reading it I was a lot more interested in what I was going to read next. I think that the writer should keep in mind to be a lot more concise with their thesis statement because it takes more than one read to get a clear understanding of what the writer is going to talk about in their body paragraphs.
ReplyDeleteSample B: After reading this sample I immediately noticed that the writer did not use a hook in their introductory paragraph. I also noticed that after reading the sample I had a small glimpse of what the thesis sentence was. The writer did a nice job of incorporated his/her main ideas into their introductory paragraph. It is clear that the writer is going to eventually write about the changing points of view in the poem. I think that for next time the writer should keep in mind to make their thesis clearer and also to add a hook in order to pull the reader in to their essay.
Sample C: After reading this sample I had to re-read it again in order to get an idea of what the writer was trying to convey. I thought that the sample was not written to be a introductory paragraph because I did not see a thesis statement. I saw almost three different main ideas but not an overall thesis that tied them all together. The writer did a good job of incorporating their main ideas into their introductory also setting up their ideas for what they are going to write about in their body paragraphs. I think that for next time the writer should keep in mind to insert a hook in the beginning of their essay and also a clear thesis that is easily identifiable.
Sample D: After reading this sample I immediately knew that the writer was going to begin to write about the narrator’s shifting point of view and the emotions that the narrator is expressing. I thought that the thesis was clear and the writer did a nice job of incorporating a hook in the beginning of the introductory paragraph. The writer also did a really nice job of incorporating the task at hand into their paragraph. I think that the writer should keep in mind to have their three main ideas clearly thought out before writing their introductory paragraph.
- Jasmine Berrios : )
Sample A: When reading sample A introduction the first impression was that it seemed that the intro was not an intro in fact. The reason behind this is because the writer seemed to reference the poem and analyze it in the intro which I believe should not happen. The thesis that the writer has written was difficult to both understand what the body paragraphs would be, and what sentence the thesis was. It seems to me that the thesis was “The narrator is so disturbed by the gruesome sight that his mind forces him to experience it for himself, the experience forces itself between his surroundings of world and himself”. The writer then states that the body paragraphs would be focused on different point of view and why the narrator uses it, but that really doesn’t make itself that clear in the thesis. However, the opening sentence of the introduction was very catchy and an interesting lead in into the poem. My main concern still stands that the thesis does not make too much sense in terms of understanding what the “experience” is and how it is going to be explained throughout the essay.
ReplyDeleteSample B: Right off the bat when the writer says “throughout his poem” the author should have been stated right there instead of later on because it just doesn’t feel correct grammatically. However, the rest of the formulated sentence was well written with excellent vocabulary. But the next sentence was supposable the thesis and it could be understood what the following body paragraphs are, but it seems to be lacking camas in its sentence, and the body paragraphs are directly related to the thesis. The only problem that is concerning with this introduction would be the wording of the paragraph which really makes it sort of confusing to understand the thesis. An example of this would be in the thesis the writer uses to many “to” in there sentence making it feel choppy.
Sample C: First impressions of this introduction were that it really didn’t have a hook and didn’t seem like it was too exciting to push their point of view. But it was easily understood which sentence, the first, was the thesis. The thesis of this introduction was “The speaker makes use of auditory, visual and tactile language in order to convey the horror of the scene that he discovers”, and from this it is easily understood that the writer is going to address auditory, visual, and tactile language in the body paragraphs, which was actually stated in the body notes. However, a concern that I have is that it seems like the thesis is cut off after the first sentence and continued into the last paragraph, which could be confusing. This is shown when the writer also says that he/she wants to write about personification which was mentioned in the last sentence. But a compliment would be that the writer is very well organized in the introduction.
Sample D: The first impression of this introduction was that it was very well written with a hook that makes the essay seem more interesting and easier to read. But one thing that was not good, however, was that the writer never states that Richard is the author of the poem. Along the same lines, the introduction seemed more like a body paragraph instead because of the fact that the writer had started analyzing already, which is something that should not happen until the body paragraphs. The writer however, seems like the thesis is spread throughout the whole intro but it should only be one sentence in the introduction to prevent confusion. Looking at the body paragraphs it was true that this was correct because what was mentioned throughout the whole intro was written as the possible body paragraphs. This was my main concern.
-Brandon Simone
Sample A
ReplyDeleteAfter reading the first sample I saw how the writer caught my interest within the very first sentence, "The world is not what it seems." I thought that sentence was pretty good way to start off the introduction because the other samples started off with something along the lines with Richard Wright illustrated something and I thought it was unique how this writer took a different start to this. Everything about this paragraph went well until it got to the part where it says "the narrator..." I thought that sentence was put in there just to be put in there, to fill in paper. This sentence was basically stating the obvious. I still didn't know what was the effect of the narrator within this paragraph. Although, this paragraph started off very well, it went off and put things in it that shouldn't have been put in. Felt like the writer was talking about the plot too much.
Sample B
For this essay sample I thought it that the author should have stated the part where he/she says "throughout the poem" already. The sentence "by combining the switch..." was almost like the author was getting too deep into the emotions, I felt like it was getting into the emotions more than he or she should have. I also noticed how the author didn't write a hook and grab the readers attention write off the bat. What I did like after reading the rest of the paragraph is how the author incorporated the main ideas they were going to use to write the rest of the essay. Besides that minor error in the beginning the essay was good but I would like to see the author state his thesis a little more clearer so other people who haven't read the poem have a sense of what he or she is writing about.
Sample C
For this essay sample it started off with stating the figurative language devices that the author used to illustrate the shift in point. I thought it was clever, however reading more of the paragraph I felt like the paragraph could have been condensed a little more with the sentence that starts with "it is clear...." I also took notice that this paragraph didn't feel like an introductory paragraph because I didn't even see a thesis statement, at least to me it wasn't clear enough to see what was his or hers thesis statement was.
Sample D
For this essay sample I found it to be very well written as many other people thought as well, I also saw how the hook was very interesting and caught my attention very quickly. I agree with Brandon on how he says one thing that wasn't good was on how the author forgot to mention who was the author of the poem he was referencing. Something else that wasn't good that caught my attention quickly as well was the fact the thesis statement wasn't well established, what I mean is that I didn't see one sentence where I can point out and say "THAT'S THE THESIS STATEMENT" and with that in mind you can say that the thesis statement was written everywhere throughout the entire paragraph which isn't a good thing to do. I recommend the writer or author of this essay to work on how to get a better and clearer thesis statement established.
- Marc Cortes :)
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteSample A
ReplyDeleteMy first impression of the opening paragraph was that the writer has a grasp of the poem and references it very well. However, I found it difficult to understand what the writer was going to talk about because there isn’t a clear thesis statement. On the other hand, I like how the writer clearly and accurately described the poem in a single sentence. In order to make this introduction stronger the writer could have included a short analysis of the poem that supported their thesis statement.
Sample B
My general impression of the opening paragraph was that the writer had a great understanding of how Wright conveyed the overall scene within the poem. However, the writer did not accurately create a clear introductory paragraph. In addition, the introduction does not include a clear thesis statement that is associated with the overall task of the assignment. To make this a better introduction the writer should have included a stronger thesis statement and this would have made the intro less confusing.
Sample C
My first impression of the opening paragraph was that the writer had great understanding of the literary devices and forms of imagery used within the piece. I liked how the writer used literary terms within the intro and connected them with how the speaker feels. However, the writer did not address the shift in perspective and how affects the overall attitude of the narrator. In order to make this a better introduction, there could have been more examples from the text that supports how Wright uses imagery to convey the overall meaning of the poem.
Sample D
My general impression of the opening paragraph was that the writer overused quotes within the intro. I feel as though that the use of quotes overpowered the voice of the writer and used quotes to add “fluff” to the introduction. In addition, the writer did not include a clear thesis statement that addressed the use of shift in perspective. To make this introduction more effective, the writer could have included more analysis of the quotes rather than just randomly adding them.